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This article shares reflections and personal experiences. It is not health advice.
In this article
This text is for information only. It is not medical advice and does not replace an assessment by a health professional.
The silence that can grow
Many women describe saying nothing about a change in desire, sometimes hoping it will resolve on its own, while a partner may interpret the silence as rejection. According to qualitative research, the silence itself is often described as more difficult than the change. Conversation is frequently named in such accounts as the point where couples begin to feel closer again.
Why desire may change
Hormonal shifts, vaginal dryness and pain, poor sleep, fatigue, medicines, illness, stress, body image and the emotional state of the relationship are all described in the literature as possible contributors. Women in qualitative studies describe pain, heat and tiredness pushing sex down their list of priorities, and also describe feeling guilty or inadequate about it.
Good to know: qualitative studies report that conversations held in a calm, private moment, away from the bedroom and away from an attempt at sex, are often described by participants as easier to have.
What women tell us
Personal experiences, shared to help you feel less alone. They are not health advice.
Diseases disturb mental concentration about sexual issues; my bone pain, especially in my feet, has reduced my sexual desire. I think pain has killed my sexual feelings.
I cannot stand any hot conditions…even my husband’s body temperature during sex… This is due to hot flashes, so we sleep separately… I think about getting rid of hot flashes instead of having sex.
I think in Asian culture you don’t talk about this kind of thing. And that’s quite hard because you don’t know who you talk to.
What communication research describes
Description rather than accusation. Accounts from couples often contrast statements about one's own experience ("I get tired and sore, and I miss feeling relaxed with you") with statements that assign blame, which tend to be received as pressure. Naming what is still wanted. Cuddling, kissing, massage and time together are frequently mentioned as forms of closeness that remain available. Asking about the partner's feelings. Partners' sense of rejection is described in the literature as a real and separate experience. Small, low-pressure agreements. Some couples describe setting aside time together without any expectation. Revisiting the conversation. It is commonly described as an ongoing process rather than a single talk.
A common scenario (illustrative)
Couples are sometimes described in counselling literature as arriving with one partner feeling rejected and the other feeling pressured. In such descriptions, a calm conversation may lead to a pause on intercourse, a rebuilding of touch, and a medical appointment about pain. This is an illustrative example, not a real account.
"If desire is low, the relationship is failing."
Desire is described as naturally fluctuating over a long relationship. Low desire is commonly framed as a signal to understand, not a verdict on love.
The physical side
Pain, dryness and discomfort are described in medical sources as symptoms that can be assessed and, in many cases, treated. Hormone-related and other causes are commonly evaluated by a doctor. According to NICE guidance, menopause symptoms including sexual difficulties are part of what clinicians are asked to discuss and assess.
If sex is painful, or if a person feels unsafe, pressured or coerced, or if the relationship involves control or violence, a doctor or a specialist support service should be consulted.
When a therapist is involved
Sex and couples therapists are professionals who work on communication, intimacy, anxiety and past experiences. In published accounts, some couples describe a small number of sessions as enough to change the tone of the conversation.
Desire is often described as growing where people feel safe rather than pressured. A kind conversation is frequently named as mattering more than any technique.
Talking to a professional
Several kinds of professionals work with changes in desire: general practitioners and gynaecologists assess physical causes such as pain, dryness and hormonal shifts, while sex and relationship therapists focus on communication and emotional factors. According to the NHS and NICE, menopause symptoms, including changes in sexual response, are part of routine clinical discussion. What these professionals offer is assessment and information; the decisions that follow are made by the people involved.
References
- NHS. Menopause: symptoms. nhs.uk
- NICE. Menopause: diagnosis and management. nice.org.uk
- North American Menopause Society. menopause.org
- Find a Helpline. findahelpline.com
Frequently asked questions
Is it common to lose interest in sex at midlife?
Changes in desire are commonly reported around midlife and are described as having many possible causes. Public health sources list hormonal shifts, pain, sleep and stress among them.
Does hormone treatment resolve low desire?
According to NICE and NHS sources, hormone treatment is used for specific menopause symptoms and its suitability depends on the individual case. Medical sources describe it as a decision made with a clinician.
What do partners typically experience when desire changes?
Qualitative studies describe partners as often feeling rejected or confused, and the person with lower desire as often feeling guilty or pressured. Both experiences are commonly described as worth naming in conversation.
Is intimacy possible without sex?
Intimacy is commonly described more broadly than intercourse, including touch, closeness, humour and shared time.
Most relevant for: in your 40sin your 50sin your 60s
